The Journey of A Grrl with 2 Flat Feet

The Darkness Within

2008-11-03T15:38:00.002+11:00

Pitter patter pitter patter
There goes the rain
And here I am sitting in the dark
Looking around for something
Something to distract my thoughts
Anything, anything at all...but nothing

Have you ever talked to yourself
Whether out loud or in your head
Have you ever thought whether that's normal
Or madness.....

Scratch scratch scratch
It is itchy all over
Scratch scratch scratch
Have I taken a shower
Scratch scratch scratch
I can smell the blood
Nice....

Bitch
Unreasonable
Patronising
Malicious
Where's my sense of worth?
No affirmation, no assurances
Who am I?

String of words keep popping up in my head
All negative
It was like I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel
Swallowed into spirals of darkness
Darkness within myself

Wild flailings to try to grasp on something
Hope perhaps...
Maybe faith....
Or love.....
And I see a sweet little angel
Swooping down to my rescue

The irony of it all
The demon has become an angel
The angel was the demon
They have reversed roles so naturally
I can't start to comprehend

Out in the open

2008-10-05T21:15:00.005+11:00

If you have something to hide, it is bound to come out sooner than later. And especially, when you are least expecting it.

It's been exactly one week and a day since mum found out that I'm queer. This last week has been a real roller-coaster ride for me and I'm sure it's worse for mum. And the worst part is that I don't know how to make it better for her without being true to myself. Years before, admitting to myself that I'm on the other side of the fence has not been easy - confused, scared, the right & wrong debate, the normal v. the abnormal debate, and the most difficult part was the religious issue. I'd be first to admit that I'm no saint but I have been brought up to live as best as I could a God-centred life. It was a real struggle coming to terms with my own sexuality.

I thought that I have managed to go through the worst of the worst. After all, what could be more difficult than to face your own fears and prejudices? You are after all, your worst enemy. But now, having to cause mum dissappointment and heartbreak, that is something that I had never wanted to do. All I wanted was for her to be proud of me, proud of my achievements because, in essence, those are her achievements. Growing up, she believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself. She always only gave me the best that she could afford, on many occasions sacrificing her own needs and wants.

Hurting her hurts me even more. And yet, I don't know if she would ever stop hurting. This haunts me to the very core every second, every minute.

I just want my mum to be happy and healthy. And yet my actions are not true to my words. In fact, they are the opposite..............

Grand Pacific Drive

2008-05-12T16:56:00.004+10:00

Listening closely.....

2008-03-05T13:32:00.002+11:00

Affirmation
sung by Savage Garden

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold

I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

Weekend Away from the City Buzz

2008-03-03T16:26:00.003+11:00

Where: Central Coast countryside

When: Feb 28 - Mar 2, 2008

Weather: Mostly sunny with occassional drizzle, Windy

Habitat: Duplex cottage

One word to describe the getaway: Blissfulness

Perplexing experience: Agro countryside drivers

New venture: Golfing

Chinese New Year

2008-02-06T11:03:00.000+11:00

Today is CNY Eve and this will be the 3rd year I will be celebrating CNY away from my family. However, this will be the 1st official CNY that I will be celebrating with Erica in our new home. We bring together different traditions and cultures of celebrating CNY. I never would have thought that others celebrate CNY differently from my family but yes, they do! Everybody has different definitions, views and perspectives of what CNY is all about.

I have been doing some digging around to expand my knowledge; to recapture what CNY is all about - the origin, the superstitions and the true meaning of it all. A summary of my research reveals itself:

CNY origin (1 of many): 'Nian' was originally the name of a monster that prey on people the night before the beginning of a new year. 'Nian' would swallow many people in 1 mouthful. Everyone was frightened but alas, no one could do anything about it until one day, an old man came to the rescue. He said to the monster "I hear that you are very capable, but can you swallow other beasts on earth instead of people who are by no means your worthy opponents?" 'Nian' was pleased to hear that he is thought of to be too good to be eating humans, so he decided to prey on the other beasts instead. After that, 'Nian' never bothered the humans again. However, before the old man who turned out to be an immortal god left Earth, he told the people to put up red paper decorations on their windows and doors at each year's end to scare away 'Nian' in case it came back again. He told them that the beast feared the color red the most

'Guo nian' means surviving 'Nian' the monster has come to mean making it through the old year

'Bai nian' means welcoming in the new year

CNY: a time for family reunions, visiting family and friends

Annual housecleaning: 20th day of the 12th month - to welcome in the new, clearing up the past

Spring couplets: short poems to express good wishes for the family in the coming year

CNY flowers: water narcissus (if it blossoms on the 1st day of CNY, it is believed to indicate good fortune for the year) and plum blossom (stands for courage and hope)

Last day of the old year: all food to be prepared so that all sharp instruments (i.e. knives and scissors) can be put away to avoid cutting the 'luck' on New Year's Day as the kitchen is not to be disturbed on New Year's Day

CNY superstitions: No sweeping & dusting on the 1st day of CNY for fear that good fortune will be swept away; after New Year's Day, floors may be swept but beginning at the door sweeping inwards (if you sweep the dirt out over the threshold, you will sweep 1 of the family members away as well as the family's good fortune), rubbish is not taken or thrown out until the 5th day; on the stroke of midnight on CNY eve, every door and window in the house has to be open to allow the old year to go out, all debts to be paid out by the last day of the year and nothing should be borrowed as anyone who does will be borrowing all year round; on New Year's Day, not supposed to was hair as it would mena washing away all the good luck; red clothing is preferred during CNY as it is considered a bright, happy colour and will bring the wearer a sunny & bright future; it is unlucky to greet anyone in their bedroom

CNY greetings: Gong Xi Fa Chai, Wan Shi Ru Yi, Nian Nian You Yu

CNY Eve & CNY Day - strictly a family affair; highlight being the reunion dinner and younger members of the family paying respects to the elders

1st day of CNY: welcoming the Gods of Heaven & Earth into the homes, red 'Lai See' envelopes: good luck money given by parents to their children, everyone to put on new clothes and on his/her best behaviour (e.g. no shouting, no indecent language), some people abstain from meat as it is believed that this will ensure long and happy lives for them (superstitions to vegetarian dishes: lotus seed - to have many male offsprings, ginkgo nut - represents silver ingots, black moss seaweed - homonym for exceeding in wealth, dried bean curd - homonym for fulfillment of wealth & happiness, bamboo shoots - term which sounds like 'wishing that everything would be well' (fresh bean curd/tofu is not included as it is white & unlucky for New Year as the colour signifies death and misfortune)

2nd day of CNY: going out to visit friends and relatives; taking with them red 'Lai See' envelopes for children and gifts, it is believed that the 2nd day is the birthday of all dogs

CNY delicacies served to guests: fruits (tangerines, oranges, pomelos); tray of togetherness made up of 8 compartments filled with dried fruits, sweets and candies (candied melow - growth & good health, red melon seed - dyed red to symbolize joy, happiness, truth & sincerity, lychee nut - strong family relationships, cumquat - prosperity (gold), coconut - togetherness, peanuts - long life, longan - many good sons, lotus seed - many children)

CNY food to symbolize abundace and wealth for the household: a whole fish - represent togetherness and abundance; chicken with a head, tail & feet - symnolize completeness; noodles - uncut to represent long life; 'nian gao'; sweet steamed glutinous rice pudding; 'zong zi' (glutinous rice wrapped in reed leaves), 'man tou' (steamed wheat bread); small meat dumplings

Celebrations: lion dance & firecrackers (believed to drive away evil spirits), acrobats, theatrical shows

5th day of CNY: people stay home to welcome the God of Wealth

7th day of CNY: celebration of everyone's birthday; the Cantonese community partakes in a dish called 'yee sang' (mixture of thin slices of raw fish, shredded vegetables, herbs & sauces; all the ingredients are served separately on the same plate and when everyone's ready, the ingredients would be tossed and mixed carried with chopsticks high in the air by all at the table while saying out loud the word 'loh hei' which means liveliness, prosperity & longevity)

8th day of CNY: the Hokkien community performs a prayer/ritual where offerings are made to 'Tian Gong' (God of Heaven) extending into the 9th day

9th day of CNY: make offerings to the Jade Emperor

13th day of CNY: simple congee and mustard greens ('choi sum') to cleanse the system

15th day of CNY: lantern festival & Chinese Valentine's day where oranges are thrown into the river (the belief is that maidens would attract good husbands if they adhere to this practise)

lessons learnt

2008-01-15T17:31:00.000+11:00

5 IMPORTANT lessons learnt tody:

it's all about who you know
speak your mind - you might not know who is listening and tapping into your ideas
have faith and determination in everything you do; even if you think you are crap, others may think otherwise
do not be afraid to ask even if the answer is staring right at your face
treasure your loved ones every moment - too often we take them for granted

Chocolates & Chocolates

2008-01-14T13:54:00.000+11:00

Of late, I have been eating heaps of chocolates...

The craving is constantly there...

I have to admit I'm a chocolate lover but, I've never craved for chocolates as much as I have in these past 2 weeks. It's not the usual craving where I actually enjoy the chocolates. I don't really enjoy it anymore. Mind boggling?!?!

Me thinks so too. But I think I've found out the answer

.......... .......... .......... .......... .......... ..........

I would stop eating chocolates.. but I'm not a quitter!

I'm 30 N.O.T.!!!

2007-09-04T12:23:00.000+10:00

I'm not even 25 and my dear friend thinks that I am talking like a 30-year old
*bursts out in tears*

A recap of the conversation:

Elicia says:
actually, you "sound" a bit different le
Elicia says:
i feel i'm talking to 30-year-old
Elicia says:
don't have the "goofing" around kind of tone
Elicia says:
like all so serious like that
KQ says:
seriously, you really think i sound different ya
Elicia says:
yesh.......
KQ says:
omg
KQ says:
wat am i gng to do
KQ says:
aiyaya
KQ says:
must go home to do a make over tonight
Elicia says:
er.... now you sound like you are pretending to be normal.
KQ says:
wat
KQ says:
no way!
KQ says:
you a bit sot sot already ar today
Elicia says:
no le. seriously. you sound 30
KQ says:
hMm
KQ says:
so, is that good or not
KQ says:
not really ya
Elicia says:
that means many aspects of your life has changed since the last I saw you about 2.25 years ago
KQ says:
many i guess
Elicia says:
and obviously I don't know what has been going on. So I feel you hav changed a lot
Elicia says:
not a good/bad change. Just simply changed
KQ says:
hMmM

Looks like it's time to take more time to be more fun.............. *let the music roll and the dancing begins*

boing

2007-08-31T16:53:00.000+10:00

the flame of hope should never go out from your life and that each of us can mantain hope, faith, peace and love

growing up

2007-04-05T12:43:00.000+10:00

everyone needs to grow up
and fly away from home
but being away from home
doesnt mean you love your family less
it only means that you are now living your own life

as the saying goes
"a child is only lent to you for a period of time until he too becomes his own person and have his own child"

QS-ing?

2007-01-10T21:12:00.000+11:00

started my new job today
almost fell asleep by mid-day with all the reading
started measurement after lunch
wonders why i bother sometimes
*sigh*

the unsettled affair

2007-01-07T20:29:00.000+11:00

dont know exactly what i want to write about, but just felt like writing and it just started flowing and then stopped *sigh*

It was all dark for a long a period of time. There was hope. But it was never strong enough. Not enough to allow the light to break through. The animal within struggled to break free and more than once, it thought it had hit home run. But, it never really happened. Mid-way and it retracts its journey, to go back to its den. When will this end? The question was always left hanging.

Tortured and powerless, it resorted to leave it up to destiny. But what is destiny? Am I doomed to the Kingdom of Darkness? Is that my destiny? The jungle is burnt. The flock has left. The enemies are out there. Waiting to strike again. All these constantly flood its mind. The smell of fear is so strong, it is almost pungent. The spirit to fight for survival is almost dead. Somehow, what keeps it going is the need to know. This gnawing need grows stronger as the days passed by.

Food was scarce. Water was even more scarce. It is now the tenth day. That is if it kept count correctly. It can barely differentiate the night from the day. As it pawed its way through the haven this place used to be, there is only the feeling of emptiness. It roared. What came out was only a feeble growl.

*****

“How much?”

“$1500.”

“I thought the deal was $1200.”

“Take it or leave it.”

Despite knowing that this was a very high price to be paying, Tom had no choice but to fork out the money. He desperately needed a fix and he need it now. As soon as he took out the wad of cash from his wallet, he was pushed to the walls and handcuffed.

“You are being arrested for substance abuse. You have the right to remain silent. What you say now may be used against you in court.”

The red and blue lights of the police car can now be seen, followed by its shrill sounds. Tom knew he was busted for good this time but all he could still think of is the fix he needs.

*****

They had come without warning and had struck without mercy. Everyone had a torch. Every single bloody one of them. Everything they saw, they burnt. Everything that they saw as a profitable investment to them, they took without asking.

contentment

2007-01-07T20:10:00.000+11:00

the following email was forwarded to me. it reminded me that i have so much to be thankful for and that life is about counting the blessings that we have and not whinging and complaining about what we don't have :)

After a conversation with one of my friends, he told me despite taking 2 jobs, he brings back barely above 1K per month, he is happy as he is.
I wonder how he can be as happy as he is considering he has to skimp his life with the low pay to support a pair of old parents, in-laws, a wife, 2 daughters and the many bills of a household. He explained that it was through one incident that he saw in India ...that happened a few years ago when he was really feeling low and touring India after a major setback.
He said that right in front of his very eyes he saw an Indian mother chop off her child's right hand with a chopper. The helplessness in the mother's eyes, the scream of pain from the innocent 4-year-old child haunted him until today. You may ask why did the mother do so; had the child been naughty, had the child's hand been infected?? No, it was done for two simple words- - -TO BEG!
The desperate mother deliberately caused the child to be handicapped so that the child could go out to the streets to beg. Taken aback by the scene, he dropped a piece of bread he was eating half-way. And almost instantly, a flock 5 or 6 children swamped towards this small piece of bread which was covered with sand, robbing bits from one another. The natural reaction of hunger.
Stricken by the happenings, he instructed his guide to drive him to the nearest bakery. He arrived at two bakeries and bought every single loaf of bread he found in the bakeries. The owner was dumbfounded but willingly sold everything. He spent less than $100 to obtain about 400 loaves of bread (this is less than $0.25 per loaf) and spent another $100 to get daily necessities. Off he went in the truck full of bread into the streets.
As he distributed the bread and necessities to the children (mostly handicapped) and a few adults, he received cheers and bows from these unfortunate. For the first time in his life he wondered how people can give up their dignity for a loaf of bread which cost less than $0.25.
He began to tell himself how fortunate he is.
How fortunate he is to be able to have a complete body, have a job, have a family, have the chance to complain what food is nice and what isn't nice, have the chance to be clothed, have the many things that these people in front of him are deprived of.
Now I begin to think and feel it, too! Was my life really that bad? Perhaps... no, I should not feel bad at all... What about you? Maybe the next time you think you are, think about the child who lost one hand to beg on the streets.
"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, it is the realization of how much you already have."
When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past,you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

my new cool gadget

2007-01-05T12:09:00.000+11:00

*whoop whoop* - *smiling idiotically*

check this out :

cool aye? *nodding vigourously* :)

it came in the package as below...couldnt resist taking pictures hehe...

home is where you are no more

2006-12-30T13:04:00.000+11:00

“…and don’t forget to take your book as well”

with that, she swept out of the room

markus 23rd dec 0838

2006-12-28T16:38:00.000+11:00

good times

2006-12-28T16:04:00.000+11:00

too lazy to write -- juz some pics here -- hehe :P

fairy tale? i dont think so.....

2006-12-10T21:23:00.000+11:00

remember how when we were little, we used to believe in happily ever-afters
well, i think fairy tales do not come true
just like santa does not live in north pole

engaged

2006-11-26T15:00:00.000+11:00

shocked at myself
i proposed
she accepted
this was saturday, 25th nov, at about 2am
oh, and by the way, that was without a ring *blushing*

how do you love someone?

2006-11-23T23:41:00.000+11:00

sometimes, i look at myself and i am disgusted. i find myself very self-centred and selfish. sometimes, i feel that i am incapable of loving myself, what more another person. i was told before many times by 1 particular person that i do not know how to love properly and every time she told me this, i could never agree with her. but today, i look within myself, and her words ring more true than ever.

when did i become such a person? how did i become such a person?

i am hopelessly in love but i find myself not knowing how to love someone. does that make sense? i dont want to make the same mistakes i did years back. and in many ways, i know i am handling things differently and yet, i cant help but feel that i am not being matured enough. it feels like im like a floating log at the moment, not going here nor there.

as it is, im not the easiest person to be with:

impatient, short-tempered & many mood swings
unreasonable
strong-headed, very strong-headed (likes to get my own ways)
doesnt do logical thinking, usually does what i like and do not take into account consequences
do not conform to norm expectations
very independent (in my thoughts), too independent at times to the extent of being critical and judgemental
can be very bossy
can be extremely egoistic and wont admit to mistakes
also very possesive and jealous over things i think are important to me and is mine and mine alone

and if you think the list stops here, you are so so so very wrong....coz the list is a never-ending one........ *sigh*

if i am my girlfriend, i would run a million miles away from myself. and if she does do that one day, there is only myself to blame...she deserves someone so much better.......the exact opposite of me, she is:

matured and logical
understanding
loves unconditionally and caring
flexible
although egoistic, can admit mistakes
judgemental not
lovable, cool and cute all at the same time; puts a smile on my face every time i think of her (even when i am supposedly mad at her)
funny and has a very witty side to her although can look like a snob when she wants to (her snobby looks and snobby walking is very attractive)
mostly takes the initiative to sort things out when there is a disagreement

and yes, i can go on and on....................

anyways, these few days, and particularly today, i have been mulling over how to love someone in the proper manner and i find that i have still such a long way to go. it may sound like im just giving excuses for myself that im acting the way i am, but it is very difficult to change to become a better person. it is so much easier to be just the person you are, and expect people to accept all the good and bad that makes up the person that you are.

with erica however, i only want to give her the best and i dont want her to take my shits and there has been many occasions that she has taken them already as it is and i just want it to stop. i want myself to stop acting and behaving like how i am right now. and i want it to stop immediately. i want to stop hurting myself and more importantly, stop hurting her. but how?? Lord, guide me.....all i see is darkness......

almost over

2006-11-09T21:59:00.000+11:00

its almost over - uni is almost over for me. handed my thesis in last friday. well, actually, monday morning but that's another story to tell. im just glad that im done with the thesis :) *YAY!* (am jubilantly happy and jumping around in joy) another assignment and im done with uni. :( ALREADY?? yea, i know - time flies and i cant believe it either *in deep thought*

*still in deep thought*

have decided not to share my thoughts.......

belaian jiwa

2006-10-25T14:36:00.000+10:00

Blame it on amanda, but this song keeps replaying in my head the entire day.....needs to get it out of my system *aarrggghhhhh*

Seindah tiada lagi kau ku ingatkan
Sayang kau hilang
Menanti biar sampai akhir hayat ku di dunia ini

Chorus:
Kau tahu bertapa ku sayang pada mu
Hanya bidadari sebagai ganti
Oooo
Hanya takdir menentukan ia
Oh belaian jiwa
Heiheiheihei

Oh angin, sampaikan lagu ku padanya
Yang sedih pilu
Terimalah lagu ku jadi teman hidup mu
Untuk selamanya

Chorus x2:
Kau tahu bertapa ku sayang pada mu
Hanya bidadari sebagai ganti
Oooo
Hanya takdir menentukan ia
Oh belaian jiwa
Aaaa aaahh

Sayang pada mu
Hanya bidadari sebagai ganti
Oooo
Hanya takdir menentukan ia
Oooo
Belaian Ooooo
Belaian jiwa x2

chinese hang tuah

2006-10-24T09:28:00.000+10:00

i was forwarded this mail (refer to the end of this blog post, still have to figure out how to create a link within the blog post *blek*) by a friend and found it rather disturbing that the article is filled with so much anger and hatred for the malays in malaysia...after all, if what the article says is true, what difference does it make if Hang Tuah and friends are chinese?

im not a what you would call, a patriotic malaysian...far from it. and i dont neccessarily agree with all the policies that the government has implemented or wants to implement in the country but one thing i do know - that is that, there are far too many more important issues that needs attention and that we do not need to make a big, public 'hoo-haa' on racist issues any more than neccessary.

being a malaysian born chinese and many a times, having felt that i was being treated unfairly by the policies the government has introduced to its people (especially on education), i can totally understand how this can 'ignite' a big fire throughout the many generations of chinese in malaysia. sadly so, i can be racist too at times, but, together, let's not forget that, malaysia has also provided us a home that we can get nowhere else despite all its shortcomings:

multi-culturism
multi-lingualistic
peace and prosperity
continuous development economically
visionary leaders (past and present i.e. dr mahathir)
no/very little natural disasters (e.g. earthquakes, tornadoes)
and the list goes on

lets count our blessings and live in peace with one another. let us remember that we are brothers and sisters who come from the same 1 source

REASON WHY IN SEJARAH OF MALAYSIA SINCE YEAR 1999 Studies about HANG TUAH are MISSING ?????

" The Truth Revealed (with evidence)"
In June 1998, the government of Malaysia had hired a team of experts

Received: from local by SmtpFwd via local research project to compliment the history studies that we undertaken in our secondary school.

The objective of the research is simply:

1. To find prove and evident that show the Malays are the origins of Malaysia and they are the first race and religion that lands their foot in Malaysia.

2. To further strengthen their claims, first they need to find the grave yard of the Hang Tuah, Hang Jebat, Hang Lekiu and etc..to show the existant of their pioneer.

3. The Batu bersurat in Terengganu, reveals that the islamic religion has landed in Malaysia for a hundred years ago which further strengthen their claims! That is why, we are taught with sejarah (history of Malaysia)!!!!

BEWARE & OPEN YOUR EYES!!! go ask your brother, sister, niece, newphew and etc. etc, since the year 1999 (if i'm not mistaken) or year 2000, do they study about HANG TUAH anymore????????

Why is that popular subject GONE????? Missing in action??????? Or Evidence reveals something different that causes the government to stop the syllabus and HIDE the TRUTH????????

Here are the Evidences of the findings by the team of scientists, archaeologist, historian and other technical staff from the United State, United Kingdom, Germany, Canada, Yemen & Russia.

The evidence are:

1) They finally found the grave yard of Hang Tuah, Hang Jebat and etc..., their skeleton had been analise and samples of DNA had been taken with the results show: Hang Tuah, Hang Jebat, hang Lekiu and mates, they are not Malay!!!!!! They are CHINESE! (islamic)from china!!! and why are they here in Malacca?????

Because they are in a misison to protect the UNGRATEFUL MALAY from the potential attack of SIAM (Thailand)!!!

So Hang tuah is not malay hero!!! they are the protector of the useless and ungrateful Parameswara (who is from INDONESIA)landed in Malacca and claim the land belongs to him!!!

The hang tuah bunch of people are all from china, they are being assign to Malacca because Parameswara request the Ching Dynasty Emporer for protection!!! This is why the Hang Tuah series of history is MISSING from the SEJARAH!!!!

2nd. Evidence:

The researchers hired by the government found the oldest tomb stone(grave yard) in Kelantan in year 2000. Suprisingly the tomb stone are at least 900 years old!!!! older than the so-called batu bersurat. and the best thing is, it belong to the Chinese.

Being landed first in Malacca doesn't mean Malay is the first in Malaysia cos during that time, the road is too long for them to see the other side of the coast!!! ! where the chinese has landed far earlier.

bumped out

2006-10-23T20:40:00.000+10:00

*snuggled under the sheets*
.....feeling cold on the fingers and at the feet
.....there's also the heat from within trying to break free

*thinking about*
.....thesis *pulling hair out*
.....thesis *more hair pulling*
.....thesis *jump, jumping, still jumping*

*saved by thoughts of*
.....erica =)
.....thesis aftermath =) =)
.....the f.u.t.u.r.e. =) =) =)
.....erica =) =) =) =)

mid-autumn festival

2006-10-13T01:16:00.000+10:00

my housemates & i decided to throw our 1st party this year in conjunction with the mid-autumn festival. it was sort of like a last minute thing and we had only about 3 1/2 days to get everything ready and to get the guests sorted out. our guest list was inexhaustible and in the end, we had about 50 people who were invited and had RSVP that they were coming (1/2 of them being my frenz). *lol* we were excited but we were also scared that there were too many people, too little space, too little food, especially too little mooncakes. we opted for a potluck thereafter as we decided we would go broke catering for so many people.

the party was awesome with a capital A :) we decorated the house with tealights and lanterns within and without. everyone who came was very impressed with it. we bought amongst the 3 of us (amanda, jia & myself) 6 boxes of mooncakes for the party. amanda brought back some very good tea from tea centre where both she & jia works. and thank gawd, her manager was kind enough to lend us 2 teapots for the occasion. jia prepared the cocktail sausages on skewers while i was delegated to get the deco up and lights and lanterns lighted. i made 6 different flavours of jell-o which turned out very nice until we tried to cut it into small pieces *lol* and so we decided not to serve that. everyone who came brought some food (in fact, in the end, we had so much left over that we asked some of the last guests to *ta-pau*) and everyone who came was adamant to have a good time.

we had a table of mahjong players, a big group of poker gamers, some small little groups of people juz hanging around and catching up and also a small lil 'concentration camp' during the party *lol* although we had so many people for the 1st time in the house, the party went great without a glitch and we didnt have anyone getting violently sick from alcohol (despite alcohol flowing around) except for when Tim got locked up in the toilet (when we already put a sign up not to lock the toilet door as the lock is not working *tsk tsk*) and when some guys tried to crash our party (of course, we sent them packing).

everyone had a great time. i know i did, especially after toby, jackui, amanda r., blonde nick, alex, nick e. & alison arrived. we formed the 'concentration camp' *lol* we had a little too much to drink as well especially when we played 'bing bang wah' (which is a drinking game for those who do not know *tsk tsk*). also, many secrets were accidentally let slipped amongst the group as well. we made so much noise (according to erica), so much so, that we were being disruptive but then we juz couldnt be bothered anyway. it was good fun =)

now, going back to erica, she was pretty upset during the party. mainly because, anselm was being too touchy feely with me and trying to 'get into my pants' the entire evening. i didnt realised he was that until the next day really as i was a lil tipsy myself. all i know was that, i was juz having too many laughs with my mates and i was enjoying myself. the fact that no one here knew that erica & i were dating made things worse in a way. she was supposed to go in to work the next day so, what happened was, i tucked her in to bed @ about 11pm when the party was still in full swing. she was trying to sleep but she couldnt as she could hear us downstairs, and according to her, she could hear me, laughing so hard and so loud. she wanted to know what's going on downstairs but she juz didnt want to seem clingy or anything like that. so, she decided to wait out her curiousity and uneasiness. she couldnt and after about encircling my room 3 rounds, she decided to go down and take a look at what's going on. when she saw anselm all over me, it unsettled her. we only spoke about this the evening after as i had to go in to work the next day.

it was a good thing really i think that anselm was all over me that night. not that im being psychotic or anything like that but i think that it sort of put me into perspective of the importance that my frenz acknowledge and accept erica as my girlfriend. after we talked about what happened, i decided to come clean with my frenz once and for all, especially jia & jo. as of now, i have told amanda, jia, marcus, chun meng, kevin f., huixieng and jo. the coming out is juz starting but it's been really good so far. all of them have been really understanding and supportive and i can see that things are not changing (-vely that is) between any of us. if i may say so, i think it has brought us all closer to one another. and most importantly, erica is happy =) and when she's happy i am *big idiotic grin*

n.b.: keep a look out for more mid-autumn pictures to be uploaded! =)

being whole

2006-10-04T14:21:00.000+10:00

if i could only give you one thing in this world
it would definitely have to be
my heart and soul
know that you and only you, owns it
for with you
my heart and soul
becomes whole & one
with everything else in this world

the road ahead

2006-09-30T16:57:00.000+10:00

To say the journey has begun
Is more than an understatement
You came without warning
And swept me off my feet

You stole my heart
But I'm more than willing
To just let you keep it
For yourself

The road ahead maybe long
It may be winding
Or it may be not
But in you, I put my trust

Together we shall brave the wind
Together we shall enjoy this journey
Together we shall embrace this love
And together we will walk this road
Hand in hand
Together
Now and forever

photography madness

2006-09-30T15:56:00.000+10:00

embracing nature

taking flight

coming together

intertwined

secrets within

edges of danger

as the sun sets

magic

happy times

2006-09-30T15:45:00.000+10:00

reality check

2006-09-25T09:55:00.000+10:00

it's been one very busy, tiring but happy & exciting month. everything's been going so great with erica and it feels like there could be nothing better than this. alas, it's time to wake up and face the real world again. thesis time! =(

we celebrated our 1 month of dating each other yesterday @ the observatory hill. she had it all planned out and started preparations on friday itself. because she had never ever cooked in her entire life, she researched the internet for a picnic menu. she also borrowed a picnic basket and blanket from Danni. in fact, she went to the extent of waking up @ 6:30am to start preparing for the picnic while i was still in bed. i woke up to find her side of the bed empty and when i wandered downstairs, it was to find her preparing for the picnic. i felt all warm inside. she shooed me back to bed and an hour later, she woke me up with breakfast in bed - half-boiled eggs =) it was so sweet =)

we stayed in bed until about 12pm and then we started getting ready. it was really a great outing. after the picnic, we went to leichardt and roamed the streets admiring the 'little italy' in sydney. i thought the development of the area could have been a better representation of italy. it was a lil disappointing to see that it was just another one of those areas wannabe. however, there's a great cinema and bookshop there. the interior deco of the cinema was just exquisite. shall have to go another time to check out the actual theatres. and the bookshop was really comfy. it has one of those ambience where you can just sit down there the entire day and enjoy your book while having a cuppa. =) i know i could have stayed in there the entire day for sure. =P

we went to the landsdowne hotel for dinner. erica really liked the place and thought it was value for money. i think impressed is the word im looking for here. after which, we headed to newtown for coffee and cake. feel. that's the name of the place we went to. owned by an italian family, the cafe offered a very romantic ambience. we ordered the chocolate mousse cake to share between us. for drinks, she ordered mint leaves tea and i had a banana smoothie (we ended up exchanging our drinks as i preferred the tea better and she the smoothie). the cake served with ice cream and whipped cream was really good - it was not too sweet, nor too chocolatey and the best thing is it had a hazelnut layer to go with. darn! im craving for it again now! =P i have a feeling this cafe is going to be a new hangout for yours truly. *lol*

all in all, it was quality time spent with her to last me the entire week until i see her again on saturday. we decided to 'stay away' from each other to re-focus on our studies and work commitments. both she and i have been so inseparable and distracted with one another that we have sort of put everything else on hold. now, it's back to reality. am gonna miss her so much. no more looking into her eyes before i go to sleep and no more waking up to her sweet fragrance every morning. cant wait for saturday to be here....

great weekend

2006-09-04T11:50:00.000+10:00

it has been an awesome weekend and although i'm still sick, i'm totally happy =)

friday: the evening started off with dinner together with her ex-bf, leo. was a lil awkward at 1st but, conversation picked up. after dinner, it was funny how she tried to get rid of him. *lol* we went back to her office afterwards to put away her tripod & camera; which on hindsight, we shouldnt have as we were heading to opera house. it was really beautiful sitting next to the waters with the bridge overhanging above and the opera house on our right. although we would have loved to spend more alone time there, we had to make a move after about an hour as i had to get to marco's farewell @ lowenbrau. i was a lil excited and also a lil nervous to introduce her to my frenz. wasnt sure if she would find it uncomfortable or worse still, if she would be able 2 get along with them. turned out that i had nothing to worry about. she got on perfectly well with everyone and i have to admit that as i saw her talking to them, i was struck by how warm she is and how easily she is able to fit in and carry a conversation with anyone, knowledgable and intelligent in her own special way, without a hint of awkwardness or shyness. my heart was filled with so much love and admiration for her that it felt like it was about to burst =) we didnt stay long as we had to get her home before it was too late as she had to go in to work the next day. 1 beer, 2 vodka shots & 1 bourbon w coke. that left me a lil tipsy but still sober as we left about 2 hours later.

saturday: picked her up @ chatswood westfield after work. headed towards her good fren, danni's place for dinner. we ordered pizza and had beard papa's puffs for dessert. danni is really warm, nice and friendly. she made me feel very welcome the very moment i met her. she's also very funny & forthright when she talks. also, i felt that it was quite an informative evening for me *lol* getting a preview into another part of erica's life @ work. danni also let slipped that erica's been in la-la land for the past entire week and couldnt stop talking about me @ work. that bit of information was a bit of a surprise if i may say so, as i didnt think that she would be that head over heels in love *big silly grin* but i was really happy to know it. spent the night in erica's. *wink* all i can say is that, it was a wrestling night. *lol*

sunday: decided to go in to the doc's after an entire night of coughing non-stop. plus the fact that erica's not feeling too good as well made my mind up for me. dont want her to be falling sick because of me. after we had breakfast @ sinma's with jam as i was correcting her essay for her, went to c the doc and spent a whooping AUD 100! (including medication) that's like specialist care in malaysia! falling sick over here is really expensive - n.b.: need 2 b taking better care of myself *lol* she was really sweet the entire day and although she didnt get much sleep the night before because of my continous coughing, she spent the entire day over @ my place, making sure that i was alright...

missing her already but will only b c-ing her again over the weekend. it's gonna feel like a lifetime =(

one helluva of a grrl

2006-09-03T21:11:00.000+10:00

stuck indoors

2006-08-27T12:59:00.000+10:00

glorious sunday! wonderful weather, wish i was @ the beach. alas! am stuck indoors right now, trying to do a bit of reading for the thesis - unsuccessfully =( damn! i really really should do something about it. mmmmmm.......anyways, on to happier topics:

started work in quatram. good working environment. good colleagues. nothing to complain about. still going in to MB once a week. feels really lucky at this point in time =)
cant wait to see erica later on. she is one helluva of a grrl =) she has really gotten me smitten all over her in juz a couple of days
great party last night @ su yin's & artem's 21st! =) it was kinda a surprise when i was invited to their 21st because after all, i havent talked to either of them @ all since they moved out. plus the fact that we didnt really end on good terms havent made things easier on either end but it was all good albeit me being a lil reluctant to go initially. it felt really great to be able 2 b on talking terms to all of them again. pinkz & amrit were really sweet as well and i think all of us are going to be frenz again =) yay!
hui xieng is seeing someone else right now *big idiotic smile* so happy for her =)
chee yeong called last night. he's in melbourne right now and will be coming to sydney on monday! would be interesting catching up
was @ arq on friday night. good music! good company - erica *wink*! only had 1 vodka shot the entire night (that's a feat)!
pride week starting monday! anticipating another great week ahead! =)
ooooo - amanda juz called! she won yet again her taekwondo competition! =) so proud of her, man! mayb jia & i should take her out tonight 4 a lil celebration! mmmmmmmm.....maybe not a very good idea. jia has exams tomorrow. plus, i am having a bad sore throat as well so, do not really feel like eating much.....mmmmm.....

i guess i had better get back to reading *sigh* why oh why do we have to do a thesis?! darn!

the wilderness

2006-08-27T12:48:00.000+10:00

this juz came to me and i decided to write it down. gosh! i havent written something inspired out of the blue in a long, long time now *lol* i know it's not like a masterpiece or anything like that but it juz feels so satisfying to know that some brain cells i thought were dead are not that dead after all *big idiotic grin*

Into the wilderness I went a hunting again
Unsure, of what I would or would not find
Unsure if I have the proper tools this time around
Or if they would be useful enough when the time comes

A few split seconds
That was all I had to wait
And the hunting began

The chase was sweet and yet not too sweet
The bait wasn’t not there yet it didn’t know its role well enough
The target was available and yet not
It felt like the end would be soon but not soon enough

With the wilderness, it is full of uncertainties
And it is where the challenges arise
Will I be victorious with the hunting or end up being hunted?
Either way it goes, it doesn’t really matter
For the wilderness brings experiences filled with treasures
Not to be found anywhere else

ck

2006-08-21T23:10:00.000+10:00

her name is cynthia
and i am going out with her
i am unsure if this is right
not because i am unsure of my sexuality
but because i am unsure of my feelings for her

she's a challenging my wits & brains a lot
and she's a very nice person too
she's expressive about her feelings for me
and does not hold anything back
but i know i am

i enjoy her company a lot
and when i dont c her, i miss her
i think about her often
but somehow, i feel quite detached from her as well
and that makes me feel bad about it

it's her 1st ever relationship
and i dont want to hurt her in anyway at all
but at this point in time
i feel incapable of liking her the way she likes me
and that makes me really unsure if i am doing the right thing

???

colours of life

2006-08-16T11:27:00.000+10:00

a quickie on what has been happenning since i last blogged:
1. havent got anywhere with dimple grrl, did catch her on thurs, made a fool of myself & havent seen her or bumped into her since *wonders when i will b c-ing her next*
2. have been seeing & talking to this other grrl quite frequently since a few weeks ago. i know she is attracted to me because more than once, she has hinted as such (that is if i am not getting it all wrong) but i havent really said anything, partly bcoz am still thinking of dimple grrl mmmmmmmmm should i continue c-ing her or not? fact is, i enjoy hanging out with her. she keeps me on toes end and i find that very challenging *lol* i know i am weird but hey, everyone's weird in their own way..... i dont know. i juz dont want to hurt anyone *in deep thought*
3. had great fun & a good after-class drinking session @ unibar yesterday afternoon & no, i didnt get drunk although i did have 2 scull my last beer as i wanted to leave early to meet her. wasnt very nice of them, aye? but oh well, i am always happy to keep others happy *lol*
4. got myself a part-time junior contracts administrator position in an i.d. company *jumping up with joy* starting next wednesday. getting a considerable pay-cut as compared to current job but am happy *smiling idiotically*
5. still undecided whether to go or not to go to the mso dance party this sat
6. going nowhere with thesis research =( that's the bummer in life right now. seriously need H.E.L.P!!!

currently listening to: I'm Not Stupid by Jack Neo

frustrating long weekend wait

2006-08-07T20:15:00.000+10:00

alas, she wasnt there =( asked sam about it and she said that dimple grrl doesnt usually come on mondays as she has classes or something. however, she does come for the thursday's social activity days. but, i have my final TL training this thursday which starts @ 2:30pm. activity starts @ 1pm & i need to catch the 1:45pm bus. hopefully she will turn up before i leave for work. damnation! should have got her number when i had the chance to. damn! damn! damn!

cocktail party

2006-08-05T21:05:00.000+10:00

after much contemplation whether to go or not to go, at 6:18pm, i decided, hell, why not? it's a party - free food, free alcohol if all else is boring, i can juz leave. despite saying that out loud to myself, i was determined to have a good time and nothing is going to stop me from doing so. not even the rain. i was that set *lol*

and so i got ready. took a shower, wash my hair, blow it dry, moisturise it, picked out a 'ready-to-kill-and-take-the-world-by-storm' outfit, clipped my hair up, forgot my perfume, moisturise face, put on my clothings and accessories and i was ready to go once i had my boots on. by then, it was about 7:20pm. that's good - not early but not too late as well (dont want to make too grand an entrance you know)

the moment i stepped into the room, i saw dimple grrl. i remembered her from the time i went up to queerspace in a state of confusion. i thought she was cute then and when i saw her again, she was cuter, if that was even possible *wink* *target for the night* *lol*

talked to her almost the entire evening actually. fooled around and generally having a good time. she has got very infectios laughter and i love to see her laugh. her dimples are very obvious and they make her look very cute =) by the end of the evening, no, actually, by the early hours of the morning, i had wanted to ask for her number but was juz too chicken to do so. i had pinched her mobile and wanted to give mine a miss call but i thought that would be too intrusive of me so, i didnt. now i am regretting it.

we actually made so much racquet by ourselves that her frenz noticed that we were almost in our own world the entire evening. towards the end of the party, i actually overheard some of them asking if there is an attraction going on but her answer was -ve. i could have sworn that she was as attracted to me as i was to her but alas, i may have got it all wrong, knowing me. but then again, i dont give up easily so.......mmmmmmmm.......have been planning my next move *lol*

been sitting at home thinking about it the entire day and have decided that i will go to queerspace on monday for the mixed social activity day and hopefully see her there??

disturbing going-ons

2006-08-04T10:14:00.000+10:00

it was a small shift last night. a pretty relaxing one actually. and yes, thankfully, it was better than the previous night *lol*

had a chat with amanda and found out some rather disturbing matters:
1. homi has been taking away her administrative duties (i.e. shifts allocation, IQCA, etc) and handing them over to the others in the team on the basis of reducing her workload
2. no more day shifts for her
3. she hasnt been kept in the loop on what has or has not been happening in the last month or so since i left
4. apparently, she and homi has been on cold, civil terms since a couple of months ago and now it has gotten worse
5. she now comes in to work with nothing much to do and feels bored. previously she was overworked, now she's underworked
6. there's a lot of power struggle in the phoneroom
7. nell has been taken off oztam effective from yesterday despite having one of the best strike-rates on the team
8. amanda's sis-in-law lost her baby the previous day hence, her not-so-good & distant mood that day

mmmmmmmmmm...sounds like a lot has been going on while i have been away. it really disturbs me and i really really dislike it when there is political play around. i don't want to take sides and someone's bound to get hurt along the way. amanda's hurting now. who's next? what next? *sigh*

nell & i got to talking a fair bit while i was briefing her on csd, or should i say, as she was briefing herself as i was juz flicking the computer *lol* anyways, let's put it this way, i think she is a nice girl at heart. she juz acts tough...i think we may actually get along??

nell nell nell. damn her really! she was in my dreams last night and now that i am wide awake, i can still remember what it was...lets hope she never finds out about what happened in the dream *lol* it would be a never-ending gloating in my face *lol*

p/s: aarrrgghhhh...............she was very cute and sweet

a lil lost

2006-08-03T12:45:00.000+10:00

1st shift as a team leader yesterday and it wasn't heaps as fun as i had anticipated it to be =( in fact, i had this deja vu feeling that it was like my 1st shift in mb all over again - the feeling of a lil lost and being not too sure of myself. i guess it's the transition of being juz an interviewer to taking charge and taking responsibility for the actions taken by others and myself. i will be doing my 2nd TL training this afternoon and my 2nd shift team leading in the evening. *keeping my fingers crossed* hopefully, i will be more comfortable adjusting to my role today as compared to last night. although i find it a lil daunting, but it's an interesting learning curve and i intend to get the most out of it while i'm at it =) i was ollie's protege last night. he is really good i must say. he is really patiend and i learnt a lot from him. mmmmmm.......wonder who i will be shadowing tonight?

nell & amanda have become very close over the last few weeks when i have not been around. to the point that they are in constant contact with each other, even when nell is supposed to be dialing and getting surveys and they are taking the same breaks?? somehow, i'm a lil bothered by it. dont know why but i am. i mean, it's not like it's any of my business but, somehow, i find it disturbing. hhhhhmmmmmm...wonder is it my 6th sense telling me that there is more to it than it looks? is something going on between the two?

homi, on the other hand, i find, is very supportive of my new role. he is showing me another side of him which i have never seen before. he shares as much as he can and mentors me. people are sometimes juz full of surprises =)

toby as usual is sweet and sarcastic all the same. and anselm told me he got engaged when i was away! now, that reminds me that i have to ask him if it's true tonight *lol*

it's my 2nd week back @ work but i have yet to see peta. amazingly, i havent had the same shift with her yet. maybe this sunday? she can be a lil 'aggro' sometimes (a lil is putting it mildly actually *lol*) but she can be quite nice and i dont want to say it, but i am looking forward to seeing her and having her watchful eyes over my back hahaha i think i am going a lil cuckoo =P

currently listening to: It's Friday, I'm in L by The Cure

jia in love

2006-07-30T20:42:00.000+10:00

'i think i am seeing too much of him and i am starting to get sick of it but i don't wanna feel that', jia confessed juz a few moments ago, a week into dating kevin! she has this thingy about avoiding people and being afraid of commitments. i can never understand why and will not pretend that i do but i can accept that, that is juz her...it's not a wrong thing nor a bad thing, it's juz jia. we talked quite a fair bit about it but don't think i was much of a help. really hope that she will be able to overcome her own 'demons' and allow kevin into her heart and life. love is about commitment and trust and honesty. and without these; pure, true love does not exist.

and guess what i saw when she gave me a hug? *lol* hickeys all over her neck. damn! kevin must be one aggressive testerone-driven male! haha...and of course, i teased her endlessly about it especially after she told me that kevin has some on his as well. *lol* wonder what she is going to be wearing to uni tomorrow to cover them up? or should i say what THEY are going to be wearing? hahahahahaha

me thinks kevin is good bf material for jia and i am really happy that they are together. he makes her glow like i have never seen before =) and although i have to admit that jia is spending less time at home with us now and i miss hanging out with her, i am truly happy for her and really hope that her 'demons' would disappear soon.

anyways, looking forward to tuesday to spend some quality time playing badminton with her *embarrased* lets juz hope i will not be too out of shape *lol*

=)

2006-07-27T00:54:00.000+10:00

simple things in life makes me happy =)

1st day back @ work tomorrow
yeeeeee haaaa =)

home sweet home

2006-07-21T23:04:00.000+10:00

arrived back in Sydney yesterday. it felt good to be back. it just felt so home-y. =)

been down with the flu and a sore throat since monday. thank gawd, fever has subsided. very good cleansing i must say. =) also gives me another reason to be bludging the entire day today - been very adveturous watching dvds *lol*

generally a good day today until i saw her msg on msn - 'I wish that she will choose to stay in malaysia'. you know how sometimes people can mess up your life? well, she is one of those people. i hope that the 'she' that she is refering to is not me but i know that she is refering to me. can she not understand that it is still awfully difficult for me to remain friends with her after all that has happened? i mean, i want to remain friends with her but i just really need some more time to adjust getting used to just being friends with her. is it really that difficult for her not to make any suggestive comments/remarks towards me? to me, that statement is very suggestive and i may as well can trick my brain to think that she wants me back in malaysia so that we can get together again but i know now, that it is impossible. that is not what she really means but if i wasn't in a much more clear-headed mind, i would have thought otherwise. this is not the 1st time she has done it, but countless times and each time i tricked myself into believing that there is really hope for us to spend the rest of our lives together but everytime, i bring this issue up, she gives me a totally negative and opposing answer as i thought she would after all the suggestive remarks/statements that she has made. it hurts more each time around but this time is going to be different. i will not allow myself to ever be vulnerable and foolish again when it comes to her.

it may all be well that she has moved on and is leading a very different lifestyle and i totally respect that. i wish her well and that she is forever happy with her choice. i also hope that she would respect me for who i have become and matured since we parted ways.

i barely know her now and she me. sure, we had a really close and great friendship in high school but it turned sour in our relationship. and i partly take the blame for it but i am also done always being made the bad person in our relationship. it was not like she didnt have any faults of her own. but everytime, every single time we fought, she would end up having the final say and i would let her have her way and just bottled up whatever i had to say. i admit i wasnt a very communicative partner and certainly not one who was able to express my feelings freely but that didnt mean that i didnt love her more than anything else in the world. i loved her so much it used to hurt me sometimes. i always felt overly-protective of her and i hated myself sometimes to be so possesive and obsessive over her. never have i ever been in such an intense relationship ever..............but whatever it was, it's now all in the past, a chapter of my life which is C.L.O.S.E.D.

in the last few years after the final break-up, i was still madly in love with her. but i have woken up from this illusion-cum-nightmare a week or so ago. i have come to realised that i was in love with another person, a person i knew but who has now become a stranger to me. although a stranger, she stays in my heart as a bittersweet memory of the years gone by. and that is how i intend for her to stay - a memory, untouchable ever again.

i promised myself that i would n.e.v.e.r e.v.e.r. allow myself to hurt again because of her. i want to preserve my sanity and i do not want to be sucked into any of her 'suggestive' remarks/comments ever again. i am moving on for better or for worse. whatever my actions are from henceforth will not be because of her as it has been for the past few years. they will be for me, myself and i. feels like i have absolutely wasted too much time taking her into consideration everytime i made a decision. i cant believe i have been so blind............

here's a toast to myself:
let the past stays in the past and let the future takes on its own shape. carpe diem! cheers! =)

resolutions

2006-07-14T03:48:00.000+10:00

Resolution #1:
i promised myself this would be the last time i would be a fool; never will i be foolish again. i have really learnt my lesson well this time around.....my heart aches with a dull thumping but time will heal it hopefully.....what may be may be and will be will be and from now on, no more looking back with 'what ifs', only moving forward, cherishing the past, being in the present, enthusiastically looking forward to the future =)

Resolution #2:
i promised to do my best this semester in all my subjects. no more playing truant, on my best behaviour at all times, really start and continue research on my thesis and do an excellent job, most importantly be focused and not be side-tracked by emotional ties

Resolution #3:
Check on mum more frequently. Make sure she keeps to her promise.

Resolution #4:
Do my utmost best in being a good team leader @ work. Responsible, trustworthy and being a friend to my peers/colleagues and team members.

Resolution #5:
Above all, do not neglect divine service. I may not be sure of my identity but one thing i know for sure, God exists and He will help me find my way. I may be a lost sheep now, but He is my shepherd and will guide me back. He does not forsake me as i had forsaken and failed myself. I want and NEED to trust Him and i want to train my soul all over again, starting from this moment. Aims:
a. Give and receive Light everyday even if it is only forehead
b. 3-hour Tekazashi training once a month
c. Toneri once a month
d. No missing overnight training & thanksgiving
e. Read divine teachings everyday for at least 15 minutes

holiday-ing??

2006-07-11T01:41:00.001+10:00

mmmm....feels good to be home where family and friends are....but somehow it doesn't feel right either

there's been things going on at home that i was not aware of and now that i am home, i feel responsible for the direction of where this family is heading; both physically and spiritually...i am however not ready to take up my responsibilities just yet. is that selfish of me? sometimes, i think so. sometimes i think i am too self-centred. sometimes i think the whole world revolves around me. sometimes i don't think.......because it drains me out....

i wish i could say this past week has been the time of life since a year and a half ago but i can't. i wake up every morning worrying about mum......i don't know what to do. marappan told me to look at my life from a bigger picture. he even drew a 'map' of my life for me but it doesn't help; i just feel so torn up inside. i am trying to set aims for each lil portion of my life, but i don't seem to be able to do so with an un-biased mindset. feels like i need some time away from home everytime i start looking at the 'map'. some mornings i feel like i just want to catch the next available plane back to australia....running away perhaps? maybe.....

as for hoping for closure on an old flame - i didn't get any...in fact, it just made me feel worse after seeing her again. or maybe i should say seeing 'them' together. i really thought i was over it but it was never over, not for me...it just made my heart ached more.....we never talked about it but i guess there is nothing much to talk about huh? after all, what is there to talk about? i am trying my utmost best to just forget about it, it's difficult. real difficult.

been meeting up with tonnes of people. been really good catching up with them and seeing how they are growing and polishing themselves in their career and daily lives. didn't realised how much i missed them until i actually spent time with them...there are certain things in life which are really irreplacable and one of the most precious to me is my friends, they know who they are and i am really glad that i have been permitted to be their friend too =)

i also went back to visit my spot when i was a kid...how fast time flies...

met up with dad - he looks so much older than i last remembered - and i think he is lonely too - these make me sad somehow...........

there's just been really a lot of things going on since i came home. i can't seem to be able to articulate it well. too much emotion, too much thinking ----- and all i wanted before i came home was for everything to be picture perfect and me just having a good time back here in malaysia. hopefully these coming 2 weeks will be better *fingers crossed*

professional practice & procedure

2006-06-22T13:01:00.000+10:00

woot woot! exams over! *big silly grin*

paper was ok i reckon - not enough time to finish answering questions though but should be able to pass =)

now killing time in the computer lab before my thesis proposal presentation starts @ 2pm. am a wreck of nerves right now really as i have not prepared for the presentation but with my fingers crossed, let's hope i will be able to pull this through. hopefully sid won't ask too many questions that i can't answer and martin will not ask questions *fingers crossed* i am also wondering the same thing you are wondering, why am i blogging less than one hour away from the presentation? well, i don't know. i mean, i have read through my presentation materials and i don't know how else i can prepare except to brace myself for the worst to come

last night jia wasn't able to sleep. seems like she has a habit of losing sleep just before her final papers. this happened last year as well and i had to tell her a story to put her to sleep which didn't work, put on some really slow, boring & supposedly lulling music which didn't work either. finally, gave her Light and in a matter of minutes, she was a sleeping baby =) the power of the Light =) last night, however, i didn't do any of those things because i was so stressed up myself and everytime, she toss and turn, she woke me up. i couldn't sleep either worrying about today's paper. now, i feel that i can really do with some sleep but alas, this will have to wait until tonight after work or issit after dinner with martin after work? well, might cancel him then. will see.....

8 more days =) i can't believe it! 8 more days =)

unsettled

2006-06-20T23:18:00.000+10:00

if there is one thing i really dislike, that would definitely have to be when i see one my friends being upset...especially someone close to heart...life can deal everyone of us some very swift and serious blows at times but it can also be very beautiful - how we look at it is all a matter of perceptions...what we choose to stress on, to magnify with each passing moment is at the end of the day, a matter of choice

chien came back today. she looked exhausted but nothing out of the ordinary. being caught up with exams, none of us really asked how she has been settling down in her new place. we just took it for granted that all was well. or maybe subconsiously, we wanted all to be going well for her because it is after all, D EXAM PERIOD! and we don't really want to be focusing on other things

the afternoon went on and i didn't as much as exchanged 10 words with her until come dinner time. i went downstairs to prepare dinner and realised that i didn't have anymore chilli oil nor sweet soya sauce. went out to hidaka. when i came back, chien was on the phone, talking to her mum. she was crying as she was talking. i couldn't help but overhear her spilling her problems to her mum about how things are not working out at her new place and how difficult it was for her to be coping moving all on her own

it hit me suddenly that i have been so wrapped up in myself and my exams that i haven't been much of a friend to her lately. at that moment, i really felt ashamed of myself. i mean, what could be more important than chien's well-being? no exams can ever be as important as her. after she hung up, i tried talking to her to find out what is wrong but she just wanted to be left alone.....

30 minutes later, she came into our room, just to chill, like how we always do before she moved out. she related to us what happened and we asked her to move back in until everything in her new place is more settled - she declined saying that it would be too much trouble moving her stuff all over again even though we offered to help her move. after much persuasion, she finally gave in saying that if things are still not working out by this friday, she will move back in =) she is still here in the room, listening to her lectures online and i feel good that chien finds comfort in our company and i hope that she feels comforted in the knowledge that both jia and i and also amanda will always be here for her if she needs anything at all

i pray that all will be well for her soon. i really do. she is one tough cookie but sometimes, one can only take so much. plus her exams are now just round the corner. she shouldn't have to deal with so much stress but then again, maybe it is God's training for her as He would know best how much she can take and at what sort of time. He has great expectations of her, that is for sure, and i know, she will definitely rise up to it! =)

reflecting on this incident today, i realised that i still have a very long way to go to being a good friend as outlined for all Mahikari Tais. being a friend to someone is not only about being able to have a good laugh with them. if it is, then it is a very superficial friendship. it is also about being senstitive to their feelings/emotions and providing comfort and encouragement to them when times are not looking up. and being sensitive to someone else's feelings is definitely not my forte, i have to admit but i will work on it. i will work on my -ves and strenghten my +ves and pray for His guidance and protection to do my very best

aja aja! fighting! =)

design evaluation

2006-06-16T14:46:00.000+10:00

1st exam paper today
wasn't a good one

analysis as below:-
1st Q (25marks) - no good
2nd Q so-so
3rd Q so-so
4th Q (15 marks) - dissappointed with myself
5th Q so-so

keeping my fingers crossed & hoping for the best

backdating to yesterday:
1. had an up, close & personal with the Spore PM during the GJS Scholarship Certificate Presentation Ceremony - irony is i havent even met my country's PM & here i am, in another country with the opportunity of meeting my neighbouring country's PM. during the photo session, it was a lil awkward though when they asked us all to say 'Go Spore' b4 the camera shutters clicked - Sporean GJSs of course were all hyped up. The Msian GJSs were however subdued and was at a lost as to what they should do *lol*

2. i think i am successful in my application for team leader. i still havent got the official notification but i think i am successful. how? why? well, because when i called in to put in my shifts, Homi asked 'how did you think you went with your interview' and when i answered 'i think i went better the 2nd time than the 1st', he said, 'now, who do you have to thank for? so, remember to bring in a box of chocolates when you next come in to work'. he went on to ask, 'so, do you understand what i am trying to tell you?' is that a hint or what? =)

3. had a very interesting chat with LC yesterday evening. i kinda stopped having a calm and long chat with her since our friendship turned relationship soured =( and i have to admit for the 1st time in a long time, i actually listened to what she has to say with an open mind without jumping the gun. we had some good times and lots of dark moments when we were dating. but i think from hereon, it can only improve because i will make an effort. and i want to make effort. for all the things i have done, for all the hurt i have put her through, for the sake of our frienship - - i want to do it! =) sometimes i think we can never return to being friends again, sometimes i think we can. but i know for sure last night, we can; only because we have seen the best & the worst of each other that we have never shown anyone else that this friendship will survive the test of time and distance.

14 more days to go =)

stealing a minute

2006-06-12T19:45:00.000+10:00

i shouldn't be blogging at this critical moment but my mind really needs a rest. been working on the property law assignment non-stop for the past 2 days...am really worried about this one - hopefully will be able to scrape through *sigh*

time for a bit of planning. proposed schedule for these 3 weeks until departure:
mon/tues - finishing off property law assignment
tuesday (5pm) - property law assignment due
wednesday/thursday - study design evaluation
thursday (2:45 pm) - GJS Certificate presentation ceremony
friday (10am - 12pm) - design evaluation exam @ fbe level 4
friday evening - work
saturday - work

sunday morning - thanxgiving ceremony
sunday afternoon - work
monday/wednesday - study ppp
thursday (8:45 - 11am) - ppp exam @ Matthews Building Room 310
thursday evening - dinner with martin
friday/saturday - work
saturday evening - overnight training

sunday - work
monday - work until 4pm
monday (6:30pm) - romeo & juliet play @ opera house
tuesday/friday - work
thursday evening - farewell dinner with marina (hopefully)
friday evening - dinner with GJS
saturday morning - shopping
saturday afternoon - adios! =)

looks like i have many things to look forward to but before that i need to survive my assignment and exams - wish me luck =)

what a lovely surprise

2006-06-10T20:47:00.000+10:00

it's been one hell of a week, being permanently glued to my laptop, just rushing assignments. straight after i handed in one major assignment on thursday, went straight into working mode for 3 continous days without much rest and will be starting my final assignments (dreaded property law, but that's another story altogether) due on tuesday later tonight. *sigh* can't wait for end of the month to come *smiling idiotically*

anyways, enough whinging! time for more upbeat stuff =) i had a lovely surprise today. a friend whom i hadn't been in touch with for months got in touch....ohh, i really miss spending time with her and laughing and talking about non-sensical stuff. and she had some really good news to share too =) told me she's getting married in august 2008! =) i know i know...it's still 2 years away but i am really happy & excited for her =) more happy and current news is that her graduation ceremony's on 5th july (note: i am writing this here to remind myself of the date - knowing how absent-minded i am, i will probably forget it in like another 2 minutes) and she is graduating with distinction =) i am so proud of her =)

note: just to clear up the confusion, she was renting the graduation gown for photo session purposes when she was here last year. her actual ceremony is in singapore where she is busy working happily now.

also, went out with abraham for dinner tonight. we went to this korean restaurant down the road that i have been wanting to try for like a few weeks now. had a real good catch up with him as well. must have been like 2 months or so since i met him in person. he has lost some weight but he is doing well this semester and rather put together and prepared for his finals which is more than i can say for him last semester =) seems like we are in reverse roles this time around *lol*

if looks could kill, today's surely the day =P marina came in to work in this very pretty and sweet yellow top with her usual sashying long black skirt topped with a very dark black velvet jacket. she was just drop dead gorgeous! *salivating* wish i have had the guts to go and talk to her and admire it from a more personal and closer distance but no, i had to act indifferent when we were in the lunch room talking about how wasted blonde nick was last night when she was out driving around and getting lost in the city and then tailing a taxi to find her way out when they saw him (no mention of nell but she was 101% probably in the car too......aarrgghh *frustration*frustration*) and then later, merely mouthed a bye to her as i was leaving. if only circumstances were different.......if only *sigh*

chien has started moving her stuff to her new apartment. somehow still not feeling the impact except that very noticably her tv and armchair are no more in their usual positions and all her stuff in the kitchen and lounge room are almost gone. i know amanda's going to really miss her and i wish i could say the same too but somehow, not really - just numbness. mmmmmmm......i wonder why?

20 more days to go =)

magic in the air

2006-06-06T00:00:00.000+10:00

cute baby smile =P

siblings together =)

oooo....look.....baby posing? ;)

congratulations ms wong *GIGANTIC HUGS* your baby looks absolutely cute =) so much hair.......and soooo little and fragile - i feel so inspired and humbled at the same time

*flashback* when i was in college i had to do a presentation for one of my english classes. it was a free topic and i decided to do one on 'magic'. everyone else had very glamourous and hot topics like cloning, abortion, genetic engineering and what have you not! i was so nervous that they would start laughing at me, at such an abstract presentation - - anyways, to cut a long story short, it turned out very well. 'magic' in my presentation was not the magic tricks or magic shows that would normally keep us entertained for an hour or two (although my introduction covered that as well including demonstrating a magic trick *lol*) but 'magic' in my dictionary was and still is the small pleasures in life i.e. laughter, music, a new born child, friendship, love, nature, living, happiness, health - - in short things that we take for granted every single day but plays an important role in different aspects of our lives. let us take time, even if it is only 1 minute to pause, breathe and look around us and truly appreciate all these very important gifts in life that make us more human with each passing day =)

a toast to you, mr & mrs chan (better known to me as mr chan & ms wong) and may this bundle of joy increase year by year =)

wishing i was somewhere else

2006-06-05T01:52:00.000+10:00

jo's sis going home tomorrow - how i wish i am going home with her *sob*

sy's mum in town since yesterday (or was that the day before) gosh i am getting my days and nights all mixed up. blame it on the ungawdly hour i have been sitting permanently in front of the laptop =(

absolutely dislike PPP assignment! it's like never ending. damn! 25 pages on just 1 sub-topic...that would mean only 1/5 of the assignment done and due this thursday. damn damn damn!

would you welcome a peck on the cheek by a total stranger?? well, jia had a very hilarious experience today @ the cafe she works *lol* the man was so grateful to her for keeping his game cards for him that he wanted to give her a precious lil peck and she was so surprised she totally freaked out and backed away from him so fast he was also shocked *lol* luckily he didn't fall forward as he stopped himself from doing so *lol* when she told me i was totally belly laughing. how i wished i witnessed this for myself *lol* this is like a classic illustration of cultural difference when in another country. funny how people from different up-bringing react differently in the same situation.....mmmmmmmmm, wonder how i would have reacted if it was me..............

is it admirable when people come running to you when they need a hand? or is it that you are just too easy and flexible for people to twist your arm around? how or where do you draw the line that enough is enough?

currently listening to: On The Rise by Melissa Gibson

shocking news part 2

2006-06-03T21:24:00.000+10:00

this has got to be the craziest day ever! tzekin telling me that he has a thing for me - how unreal can things get??? and that over the msn as well..... *blur*

we have always enjoyed harmless flirting (i thought) since times long past. i mean, come on, tzekin - no offence but he is really like a small lil brother to me - he needs a direction in life and i have always thought in some way, i was the constant direction and light he seeks guidance from and i am more than happy to be there for him as a friend but seriously, as a boyfriend?? i am still in shock to put it mildly *jaws hanging open*

and what happens now? he is a sweet boy and i love him like a brother. He's charming and sweet and also someone i am totally good friends with...i really hate the thought of our friendship souring because of this *sigh* of all the graves i have dug for myself, this definitely is in the list of top ten - i honestly did not mean to mislead him. i am trying to think back of all those times when we talked and i still cannot recall ever seeing any indication that this was getting serious. and here he tells me that all these started back when we were in college?? that is like almost 2-3 years back!! do i dare to believe him? actually, the answer is a big NO! i want us to remain friends, good friends, closest of the closest friends, like how we used to be. i want us to be able to talk about everything and anything under the sky and not skirt around each other like trying to avoid a bomb mine (which i have a feeling is what is going to happen from now on *sob*sob*)!!

what have i got myself into?? i am supposed to be a matured 23 year old young lady ready to take on the world, having all the answers in life, but as days passed, i realised how much a fool i am for believing that i have grown wiser with each passing day because the fact is, i have not. in actual fact, it should be said that it is the total opposite *perplexed*

does everyone go thru the same thing as well? or is it just me??

shocking news

2006-06-03T17:16:00.000+10:00

jo sprung me with shocking news about an hour ago. i am still reeling from it. apparently, her parents called her yesterday to tell her that they would not be able to afford her rent @ my place and she needs to continue staying @ unilodge...knowing her she would be really upset about it but, she says she is OK?? sy is moving out from unilodge and she will be all on her own there... =( wish there was something i could do.......

on an altogether different topic, i realised that i do like flirting with guys and am still attracted to them as such. so, does that still make me gay or does that make me bisexual??? i can't stop myself flirting with good looking guys and yes, i do like snuggling them - they make me feel safe and protected from the rest of the world. i am full of contradictions! *throw hands up into the air* what am i to do with myself? who am i really? what do i stand for? what do i want? who should i be really? who should i stand for? what should i want?

looks like i am back to square 1 all over again *sigh*

sometimes i really wish i could be more confident of myself, more sure of myself but........i am not. i really admire those who are so sure of themselves and yet, sometimes i think there's something that doesn't meet the eye. very cynical of me to say it but it's true. they live a picture perfect life like there's no other cares or worries in the world and i want to live like that too but i know, the grass always look greener on the other side and they are no better off than me but at the very least, they know themselves and that's more than i can say for yours truly

anyways, 27 more days to go & counting =)

currently listening to: Miles to Go by Melissa Gibson

glorious sleep =)

2006-06-02T13:29:00.000+10:00

wow! sleep! got about 10 hours of sleep last night and still woke up wanting more ahahaha greedy me =P

had my much needed laundry done this morning =)

sitting down to more assignment blues but thought would juz pop in a short post here. yea yea i know procrastination but well....i have the rest of the day & night...... muahahahaha

anyways, did a bit of catching up with jo over lunch yesterday. me = bad grrl. *lol* influenced her to play truant with my mates & i when we saw her @ the student centre and she did. it must be my charms *wink* anyways, she had some very interesting tales to tell about her 'supposedly' good fren, sy. i can't stand the thought of someone taking advantage of innocent & naive jo grrrrrr...but then again there's nothing much that i can do about it...thank gawd, she is moving in with me in a couple of days and does not need to stand that tyrant of a sy anymore other than in classes. when jo told me that she feels hurt by sy everyday, i felt helpless. jo is like a lil sis to me and i juz hate the thought of her being upset - hope everything will be well soon =)

also, something mundane happened last night but don't know why feel disturbed about it. but to put it in a nutshell, honesty is very important. not playing games with others feeling as well...

end of session

2006-06-01T03:44:00.000+10:00

phew! finally finished the design evaluation assignment... don't know to be jubilant about it or to be dreading the results...ah well...at least it's all done and over with now after many days of work and 2 sleepless nights of rushing and rushing. serves me right i guess for having left it till the last minute but then again, that's just me =P

1 down 3 more to go - and the countdown begins =) 30 days to be exact =)

reflective note: jia & i seem to be growing closer these days. more confiding =) jo, on the other hand is busy with her sis in town =( hadn't had much chance to talk to her. also haven't exchanged Light for like 2 weeks now *sigh*

marina - that's a beautiful name, ain't it? too bad, i have a thing for her but she has a thing for someone else...i guess it's fate huh?

getting it.....perhaps? or not...?

2006-05-31T01:09:00.001+10:00

been feeling out of sorts for the last couple of days
sudden bouts of dizzy attacks
dont know what brought them on but........chien's theory is that i havent been eating properly and therefore, low sugar in blood - i dont think that's really so, but she insists she is the doc (student) and she would know best - oh well....

anyways, juz a lil recap on what's been happening for the past few days
1. been cyber-looking
2. been addicted to cyber-chatting-up grrls *lol*
3. been getting better acquainted with my inner self
4. sort of resuming normal life, difference being that i now resume it acknowledging i am gay
5. and oh yea, been informed today that i had been granted a 2nd interview for the team leader position i applied like more than a month ago

time for bed now

confusion

2006-05-28T03:17:00.000+10:00

confused - that is the state i am in at this point in my life. sometimes i wonder if all this is going to pass and i will look back and laugh it off as a phase or not....on the outside, everything looks rosy for me but within, i am breaking up. i am trying to come to terms with my sexuality or rather i am trying to understand my sexuality. am i a lesbian? or am i a bisexual? either way, i lose! =( feels like i am throwing away all my values, principles, family & friends if i do admit to liking girls. is this right in the eyes of God? i know the answer and yet i don't. People say to be sensible, you need to listen to your mind and not your heart but then, does that mean that we forgo our happiness just to be sensible? But teachings say, so long as you are with Him, you shall find health, happiness and wealth. And yet, i seem to fall deeper into the abyss of confusion and depression and feeling like i am growing further and further away from God.....

if only.......i know......for sure........