Out in the open

If you have something to hide, it is bound to come out sooner than later. And especially, when you are least expecting it.

It's been exactly one week and a day since mum found out that I'm queer. This last week has been a real roller-coaster ride for me and I'm sure it's worse for mum. And the worst part is that I don't know how to make it better for her without being true to myself. Years before, admitting to myself that I'm on the other side of the fence has not been easy - confused, scared, the right & wrong debate, the normal v. the abnormal debate, and the most difficult part was the religious issue. I'd be first to admit that I'm no saint but I have been brought up to live as best as I could a God-centred life. It was a real struggle coming to terms with my own sexuality.

I thought that I have managed to go through the worst of the worst. After all, what could be more difficult than to face your own fears and prejudices? You are after all, your worst enemy. But now, having to cause mum dissappointment and heartbreak, that is something that I had never wanted to do. All I wanted was for her to be proud of me, proud of my achievements because, in essence, those are her achievements. Growing up, she believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself. She always only gave me the best that she could afford, on many occasions sacrificing her own needs and wants.

Hurting her hurts me even more. And yet, I don't know if she would ever stop hurting. This haunts me to the very core every second, every minute.

I just want my mum to be happy and healthy. And yet my actions are not true to my words. In fact, they are the opposite..............